Married to the Church: Preserving New Pastor-Congregation Partnerships after the Honeymoon

Have you attended a wedding lately?

What a joyous occasion! Bride and groom dress their best and, surrounded by family and friends, exchange vows to last a lifetime. Afterward, the couple gets away for a honeymoon.

Then comes a marriage. How a couple handles the challenges of courtship, wedding day and honeymoon greatly influences what their marriage is like.

Congregations with new pastors often enjoy a "honeymoon phase" as well. 

During this time, doubts are suspended, goodwill abounds, and everyone seems determined to get along. If they're wise, the people involved will exploit the potential of this wonderful season. They will channel the positive energy of the honeymoon phase into the congregation’s most immediate and pressing challenge: building a productive pastor-congregation partnership.

Like a marriage, a pastor-congregation partnership thrives if it is marked by love, trust and shared purpose. How can a new pastor and church members develop a relationship like that? We suggest three things:

Devotions. New pastors and their congregations should resist the temptation to become too busy too quickly. If your church calendar is stuck on spin cycle, pull the plug.

Set aside a 40-day period in which to devote yourselves to prayer. Jesus did this before launching into his public ministry (read Matthew 4:1-11). If He needed to do it, how much more do we?

During this 40-day period, invite the entire congregation to make a renewed commitment to daily personal prayer -- a “quiet time.” Each day, each member of the church should read Scripture and pray about the pastor-congregation partnership forming. Pray that God will cause your love for one another to grow until the love among you abounds and overflows into the community.

Love is the mark that distinguishes Jesus’ followers (John 13:35). When church and pastor celebrate and share God’s love, lives are changed! In a love-starved world, new people are attracted to such congregations.

Dialogue. This means more than just talking; dialogue is actually more about listening.

It teaches people to listen well to reach new levels of understanding. Every 10 days during the 40-day season of prayer, church members should meet for dialogue. During these times, members gather in circles of eight to 12 people to listen and share.

What is God is teaching you in your times of prayer and reflection? What is the Spirit is saying to the church? Dialogue trainers have a saying: “Don’t wait for silence before speaking -- wait for the silence to end.”

Thoughtful listening results in better communication. Trust grows as people gradually become willing to reveal their hopes and hurts. Old wounds are healed. A clear sense of direction takes shape. God’s will for the pastor-congregation partnership is revealed.

Discernment. God brings pastors and congregations together for a purpose. Discerning that purpose should be the top priority of every congregation with a new pastor. The goal can be achieved by observing a 40-day season of devotions and dialogue during the first year’s honeymoon phase.

Through devotions, God’s people study Bible teaching on the roles of pastors and congregations. They learn that God desires ministry partnerships that are loving and mutually supportive. Through dialogue, they achieve the shared understanding that permits them to develop goals for their work together. They decide how and when to take action. Partnerships built this way are strong because they rest on a foundation of love, trust and shared purpose. The Bible calls this kind of relationship “fruitful.”

Connection to God motivates Christian service that God uses to change lives. “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches," says Jesus. "Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)"

We’ve all seen some couples become so focused on planning their wedding day that they neglect the relationship. Don’t let that happen to you! Channel the positive energy of start-up into the work of building a productive pastor-congregation partnership.

Like marriage, this work isn’t easy -- but it’s worth it.

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About the Author

Fred Oaks is author of Welcome, Pastor! Building a Productive Pastor-Congregation Partnership in 40 Days. Bulk order discounts are available through FaithWalk Publishing (www.FaithWalkPub.com). Call 800.337.7177 or e-mail customerservice@faithwalkpub.com. Single copies can be purchased at www.Amazon.com.

Pastor Fred Oaks is an ordained minister with the American Baptist Churches and is coordinator of the Pastoral Ministry Program for the Kern Family Foundation in Waukesha, Wis.  He has served as senior pastor for congregations in Michigan and Indiana and was a consultant with the Lilly Endowment funded Indianapolis Center for Congregations.

As a consultant for churches and congregations for nearly 10 years, Oaks conducts leadership development workshops and services where he shares his principles for maintaining a healthy, enduring, and productive church. Oaks is also the founder of Church Over 40, an organization designed to develop clergy and lay people in churches that have been in existence for more than 40 years and are seeking to partner with God for renewal.

Oaks is a member of the Southeastern Wisconsin Chapter of the American Society for Training and Development and the Ministers Council of the American Baptist Churches, USA. He earned a bachelor's degree in social work from Augustana College in Rock Island, Ill., and a master of divinity degree with honors from Northern Baptist Theological Seminary in Chicago.

In 2001, Oaks completed the three-year Beeson Institute for Advanced Church Leadership through Asbury Theological Seminary.

Pastor Oaks and his wife, Judy, will celebrate their 24th wedding anniversary this month.