By Ken Godevenos, MBA, CCP, CHRP

If you want to put an employee on the spot, ask him to tell you the last time he went on a date — alone — with his wife.

In the context of time together, dictionaries simply define a “date” as an appointment with another person, but that isn’t enough. True, Webster has it right when he defines a date as “being with another person,” implying that a true date usually involves just two people. Still, if that’s the case, a goodbye kiss at the door or just before turning out the lights would qualify.

No, spousal dates are much more than this — especially for those in Christian ministry whom we hold to be role models in our churches. The wife of a ministerial associate of mine offers this definition of a Christian date: alone (together), for at least three hours or more, and not focused on anything but each other and the things that matter to them as a couple.

Sitting on your favorite couch with your arms around each other watching a sports event or a movie on TV doesn’t count. In fact, going to the movies doesn’t count unless it’s followed or preceded by a long walk, talk and/or meal. Parties, concerts and non-participative sporting events don’t qualify as dates either.

So, when was the last time your staff or you went on a real date?

Paul’s instruction to wives and husbands in Ephesians 5 is the prominent scriptural reference when it comes to marital relationships. The Church has used it to get across the important messages of leadership in the home and of loving one’s spouse, but I think there are some key phrases in it that help us understand the importance of marital dating.

Paul talks about loving our spouse as Christ modeled — giving Himself up for the Church (vs. 25). While only rarely is one asked to sacrifice his or her life for a spouse today, we’re called to sacrifice things that are important to us for him or her, including a football game or a night out with the “the boys” or “the girls.” It might require sacrificial effort to find the energy to get dressed up, make reservations somewhere, or even to resist the urge to just veg out on the couch in front of the TV after a hard day’s work.

Christ also worked with His Bride, the Church, to “present” her to Himself and the Father without “spot or wrinkle...holy and blameless” (vs. 26-27).God didn’t just give Christ the Church to use or to help Him gets His work done; She was to be helped herself in becoming all God intended the Church to be.

Couples, too, need to focus on each other for the purpose of developing each other’s potential spiritually and otherwise.

Paul tells us to love our spouses like we love ourselves (vs. 28-29). From the perspective of dating, one could ask, How much time do we spend on our own desires, pursuits, education, interests, sharing of our issues or feats? and so on. Ephesians 5 talks about doing similarly for our spouses.

Finally, Paul talks about “cleaving” to our spouses (vs. 31). However you interpret this, I believe it includes being kindred spirits and honestly desiring to be in each other’s private company, enjoying life and Christ together.

A major role that married, Christian men and women have (after loving God) is to show the world how much we love those with whom God has entrusted us, beginning with our spouses. And Paul’s strong recommendations are crucial to doing this well, helping to ensure a vibrant, successful marriage.

Successful churches realize that strong marriages and families — plus a healthy, God-given perspective on singleness — are key ingredients in creating a productive, effective staff.

A few other benefits:

• Greatly reduced opportunity for extra-marital affairs among your staff
• Reduction in staff turnover
• Physically healthier staff (Research has shown that happily married individuals actually heal from certain illnesses much more quickly, resulting in fewer sick days.)
• Staff can better help others with their own marital issues.
• Greater likelihood of well-adjusted children among staff families
• Possibility of greater indirect involvement of the non-staff spouse in church work

As a senior pastor, executive pastor or board member involved with human resources matters, you can:

Set the example by having regular real dates with your own spouse. While this ideally would happen every week, a monthly scheduled date is a must. Mark it in your calendar — no excuses!

Informally encourage staff to do likewise. If necessary, hound them.

Be sensitive to their evening schedules. Ensure staff members have time to spend with their spouses.

Listen for clues about your staff members’ relationships with their spouses. Your job isn’t to pry; you should, however, feel comfortable ensuring those whom God has given you as under-shepherds of your flock are themselves being cared for and living the kind of life Christ would desire.

In today’s world, we’re inundated with images and stories of immorality and unfaithfulness. Those of us charged with leading congregations have a special responsibility to guard against letting God’s adversary trip up us and our staff members in our marriages.

Ken Godevenos has served on and/or chaired several church boards. He is a human resources and church consultant, mediator, executive director of SCA International (www.scainternational.org), and co-leader of the Take3 ministry (www.take3.org). Call 905.853.6228 or visit www.accordconsulting.com for more information.

A: Frequently, people in our church get a burden for a particular new ministry outside the church. Sometimes we support them; sometimes we just bless and release them to serve elsewhere. I’m not comfortable with our approach. Is there a more objective way to go about it?

Sometimes a church leader embraces the idea of one of his or her congregants taking on a venture with which the church hasn’t involved itself before because of the exposure or publicity such involvement would create. Other times, it might be something the church leader really values and has been interested in, but hasn’t had like-minded, capable volunteers.

There are also times when a new involvement with a para-church or mission organization isn’t encouraged because it conflicts with the church’s parallel ministry interests. Or, it might be a nondenominational ministry that would detract resources (time and money) from similar, directly supported ministries.

Whether or not some new involvement gets supported — and how it gets supported — might also depend on how well the church is doing in its revenues at that point. Finally, sometimes it depends on how comfortable the leadership feels about the individual.

Once again, the best way to handle such proposals is to have a well-devised policy in place. It should cover several types of situations, including (but not limited to) requests for human resources, financial assistance, facilities and/or any combination thereof.

The policy should outline more precisely what the church will not consider, and it may identify certain criteria that must be met for a new ministry to be considered. This usually is expressed as a definition of the typical mandate that a ministry which would qualify must have, and perhaps — if appropriate — a doctrine which is consistent with that of the church, or at least one that’s not contrary to the church’s doctrine.

It’s also a good idea to outline the upper limits with respect to financial assistance that’s available if a ministry does qualify, and if more than one level of assistance is possible, how it’s determined. Similar conditions should be outlined for the use of facilities and other resources.

The policy should also make reference to the fact that, depending on the church’s support and involvement, any additional insurance requirements would need to be addressed.

Two more special areas should not be neglected. The first is a statement about the expected “communication and/or promotion” this new ministry will get from the pulpit, in the bulletin or program, in the lobby, and on the church’s website.

Second, it should address what a volunteer can expect in terms of the church providing secretarial, administrative or custodial assistance, and whether or not it will cover the volunteer’s stationary supplies and photocopying charges on a church copier.

Finally, it’s a good idea for church leaders to determine the policy’s potential implications for volunteers in general — on the church’s own vision, mission and goals; on the members’ discipleship and growth journeys; and on the church’s impact in the community.

Send your questions and comments to Ken Godevenos at kgod@accordconsulting.com. They’ll be answered either directly or through this column, always honoring requests for confidentiality.