I Spy a Convention Hall!

By Julie Riddle

In the spirit of the conference and convention season, I thought it appropriate that we take time out to pay homage to these ubiquitously American events that both inspire and incite us. Be it morticians, movers, pastors or plumbers, all of these gatherings have their characters, quirks and kookiness.

Our first character, the "what-if-Aunt-Rhoda-wants-one-too" attendee, has mistaken the convention hall for his own personal shopping mall. Anything that is not nailed down--from hats emblazoned with a company logo to fanny packs to calculators--will go home in the pocket, suitcase or tote bag of this otherwise sane person.

A variant on the convention kleptomaniac is the repeat offender. This is the person who finds it necessary to keep strolling past a booth or exhibit to get multiples of the same item. Should you visit his home (and those of his family and friends), promotional items from his last 10 trips will inevitably tumble out and crush you. My father, a magician who has performed for his company at national conventions for 25 years, once unwittingly captured such a person during a taped performance. At least four times in the space of that 20-minute video, the same man strolled past to pick up additional road atlases, sneaking furtive glances at the assembled crowd and even more boldly, at the camera itself.

For the past 15 years, he has paid for that moment with an annual ribbing from everyone who has seen the tape.

While the above person might be easily recognizable given the guilty look on his face, his counterpart is more difficult to spot. While committing the same crime, this character's typically impeccable dress and businesslike demeanor may provide a better disguise to the fact that his briefcase is stuffed to the hilt with every ballpoint pen in the hall.

Still others care less about the stuff than they do schmooze. While a line backs up to the state border, the schmoozer makes it his business to catch up on every facet of an exhibitor's life, from Bobby's first homerun in Little League to the company's collapsing bottom line to the recipe for meatloaf surprise. Attempt to angle your way in, and get a cold stare that would freeze an oasis in the Sahara Desert.

Some attendees are unlikely to be among the masses at all. Given the opportunity to escape the confines of the office for a few days, these "Conference? What conference?" types have made it their mission to empty the mini-bars in their hotel rooms, have nightcaps with attractive coworkers and start their mornings off with a "cold one." Ask about the contacts they made, and you may get a very coy response; "contacts" takes on a different meaning here. Luckily, these people are a rarity at church conventions.

Speaking of church, I'll be unable to attend July's National Association of Church Business Administration (NACBA) conference in Seattle, but I look forward to seeing you at the Inspiration 2001 show August 27-31 in Atlanta.

And don't worry, we'll have plenty of magazines to go around, so take as many as you like.